Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19

Dear Capricorn, This month your horoscope is short and sweet and to the point. 2019 was SO last season, and so is your hairdo, get a new one.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18

Enjoy the fruits of your labor by making a smoothie with them. Don’t forget to add a little of “this” and a little of “that”. If you happen to be in the state of Texas making your delicious smoothie listen closely, blend a second smoothie with some chocolate ex lax. 3 boxes should be sufficient. Then deliver to your state lt governor Dan Patrick. My magic 8 ball says he should sit and contemplate about going back to where he received his educational degree and ask for a refund.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20

Oh Pisces, you enjoy being in the kitchen. If your local supermarket is out of your favorite protein you might find yourself in a real life “Hell’s Kitchen” cooking challenge. May I suggest making “endsmeat” ….. . take your mystery meat, salt , pepper and grab that crockpot. This dish also doubles as a wholesome family activity. You have plenty of time to sit around the crockpot and watch it slow cook all, day, long. Come dinner time, make sure to have a supply of hot sauce and ranch dressing.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19

The Senate is never going to pass a bill which will allow you to double dip in the salsa. So, stick to cheese and crackers and suck on the decorative garnish.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20

Support your local police department, steal.

Gemini May 21-June 20

Dear Gemini, this is a friendly reminder to fill out your census form. Here’s another friendly reminder,,,, your invisible friends don’t count.

Cancer June 21-July 22

You have always been a collector but this month you have been hoarding! And if you are one of those Americans who have been hoarding toilet paper I have some urgent predictions for you. Next time you venture out to the grocery store pick up a tube of Preparation H. I see lots of diarrhea in your future.

Leo July 23- Aug 22

Just because you are sporting a face mask these days doesn’t mean you should neglect your teeth. Murphy’s Law will bite you in the ass when you remove it to talk to a cute news reporter and that giant piece of spinach rains on your local news parade.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22

Virgo’s are all about order. This month embrace the disorder and participate in the chaos. Dress up like a zombie and do your shopping a la halloween. I know you will commit to the part by dragging your gimp leg and groaning. Extra kudos to you if you sacrifice your ketchup for fake blood. And, don’t forget your shopping bag!

Libra Sept 23- Oct 22

Make new friends but keep the old , one is silver and the others SOLD! aka out of stock,,, aka won’t ship out till October. So dear Libra’s buckle down on your “diy” efforts. No one wants to wear a giant maxi pad as a face mask!

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21

Whats grosser than gross? PDY “ public displays of yoga” . We know you like to exercise scorpio, but let me reassure you, NOBODY wants to see you do yoga in your yard even if they are 6 feet away.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21

With Jupiter in Florida and Mercury in your thermometer don’t save money this month by showering with the lights off, this is not the way to save money. Why? Because you clearly can’t see when you are shaving your legs and when you finally make it out to the land of the living no-one wants to look at your hair sock in your new spring flats.

sorry men I got nothing for you, unless you shave your legs.